Biscuits for Wee

And so we find ourselves in the midst of another battle for every parent’s right not to handle another crappy nappy, ever again.

Our first steps a few months ago were, at best, a tentative dipping of ones toe in the potty, so to speak.

This time however we have discovered a new weapon in our arsenal, one that has been used to great effect in inter-personal conflicts for millennia.


The arrangement is a simple one – do a wee in the potty and get a Special Biscuit.

A biscuit so special it has its own Wikipedia page.

The results have been immediate, and astounding.

Day One saw Mathilda receive three biscuits in return for three genuine wees on the potty.

We are all very proud.

The aim is to get to a stage where conditioning is so acute that the merest sight of a Special Biscuit will initiate Pottywee (new word) response.

And two, will produce a poo.

AKA Pavlov’s Log (Zing!).

There is a flaw in our plan though, and that comes from having twins.

On seeing the ease in which Tilly was able to acquire copious amounts of sweet, sweet sugar, Charlie decided that he too would like to exchange wee for biscuits.

Unfortunately, for him, he didn’t need to go.

So he sat there, in the middle of the sitting room, and squeezed.

Squeezed and tensed and pushed for all he’s worth.

Not a drip.

It got to a stage where all that pelvic muscle activity was going to cause a mild aneurysm.

So he got a Special Biscuit for trying.

Which is essentially getting a special biscuit for not weeing in the potty.

Object defeated.

I do feel this method has legs though. And we will soon have two children with high appreciation for the potty and its associated uses.

And a lot of Special Biscuits.

I expect a new biscuit-based economy to develop between them, where Special Biscuits are earned by wee, and subsequently exchanged in return for an extended ‘Go’ on the slide/iPad/washing basket that is really a boat.

The Eurozone should take note – this could catch on. Ditch the Euro and use Special Biscuits instead.

And if you run out, you can just inject more Special Biscuits into the economy but simply pushing out another wee/poo on the potty.

Quantitative squeezing.

I thank you.


Note: i really never knew that Special Biscuits had such a cult following.

1 comment to Biscuits for Wee

  • Lottie

    We feel your pain. Edie is very erratic in her response to the promise of special biscuits (in our economy, known as chocolate stars). She’s a bit like Greece in that respect. And now she’s got a cold. And now she’s not sleeping and neither are we, so the currency has gone into meltdown.
    One has to be fit and healthy to produce a fit and healthy economy…

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